FACADEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!2012

(Facademy: as in, fuck the academy awards*)

For those of you who have read previous incarnations of the Facademy Awards, you are well aware of the basic premise. For those of you who haven’t, here is a brief summary:

This is solely based on movies that A. My cousin and I saw or B. Movies we will see in the very near future [sorry Iron Lady, no nomination for you].

Agree, disagree, comments, concerns, donations at the bottom.

Some of these nominees are a stretch, but hey, sometimes you can barely find enough films to fill a category (especially when you aren’t being paid to watch them or watching them for free).

*side note- me and the homeboy mota actually respect the Oscars now, but we’re keeping the name because it has been the name of the awards from the start (also: Mickey Rourke!!!!!!!!!1).

But I won’t keep you from what you are here to read any longer. And don’t forget to question us up! Formspring.me/raythar

So here they are:

The 2011 Facademy Nominees

Best Comedy
Crazy/Stupid Love
Your Highness
Bridesmaids
Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Hobo With a Shotgun

Best Children’s Film
Rango
Rio
Puss in Boots
Arthur Christmas
The Muppets

Worst Movie
Sucker Punch
Hangover: Part II
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Hop
Green Lantern

Best Actor
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
George Clooney, The Descendants
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Ryan Gosling, Drive

Best Actress
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kirsten Wiig, Bridesmaids
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Villain
Loki, Thor
Sebastian Shaw, X-Men: First Class
Voldemort, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Red Skull, Captain America
The Drake, Hobo with a Shotgun

Best Action
Fast Five
X-Men: First Class
Captain America: First Avenger
Immortals
Drive

Best Epic/Drama
Super 8
The Help
The Descendants
50/50
My Week with Marilyn

Best Horror/Suspense
Paranormal Activity 3
Hobo with a Shotgun
Drive
Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Super 8

Best Special Effects
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Super 8
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Thor

Breakthrough Performance
Michael Fassbender as Erik Lensherr, X-Men: First Class
Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Thor
Elle Fanning as Alice Dainard, Super 8
Octavia Spencer as Minny, The Help
Berenice Bejo as Peppy Miller, The Artist

Best CG Character
The alien, Super 8
Blu, Rio
Sentinel Prime, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Guard Dragon, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Kitty Softpaws, Puss in Boots

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Michael Fassbender, X-Men: First Class
Albert Brooks, Drive
Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn
Andy Serkis, Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Seth Rogen, 50/50

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Amy Adams, The Muppets
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants

Best Quote

1. “I walked away from the greatest franchise in history because I wouldn’t go on at midnight. Here I am, going on at midnight.” – Conan O’Brien, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop

2. “I’m going to need a rain check on that dance.”- Steve Rogers, Captain America: The First Avenger

3. “Little girls shouldn’t be told how pretty they are. They should grow up knowing how much their mother loves them.”- Marilyn Monroe, My Week with Marilyn

4. “Of course she doesn’t like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.” – Kyle, 50/50

5. “See, but… That’s bullshit. That’s what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. ‘Oh, you’re gonna be okay’ and ‘Oh, everything’s fine’ and like, it’s not. It makes it worse… that no one will just come out and say it. Like, ‘Hey man, you’re gonna die.’ “- Adam, 50/50

6. “My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation. We’re all just out here sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, catching waves. Are they insane? Do they think we are immune to life? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our cancers less fatal, our heartaches less painful? Hell, I haven’t been on a surfboard in fifteen years. For the last twenty-three days I’ve been living in a paradise of IVs, and urine bags, and tracheal tubes. Paradise. Paradise can go fuck itself.”- Matt King, The Descendants

7. “What’s more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?”- Fozzie Bear

8. “Don’t be sorry, it’s my fault. I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead. “- Dale, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

9.”If I drive for you, you get your money. You tell me where we start, where we’re going, where we’re going afterwards. I give you five minutes when we get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I’m yours. No matter what. Anything a minute on either side of that and you’re on your own. I don’t sit in while you’re running it down. I don’t carry a gun. I drive. “- The Driver, Drive

10. “The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.” –Jacob Palmer, Crazy/Stupid Love

Best Action Scene
1. Robbing the bank- Fast Five
2. Mutant Missile Crisis- X-Men: First Class
3. Battle of Hogwarts I- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
4. Escape Across the Bridge- Rise of the Planet of the Apes
5. Pawn Shop- Drive

Best Picture
The Artist
The Descendants
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
My Week with Marilyn
Drive
50/50

Most Nominations:

Drive, 7 total

This one’s for you Arizona

I ain’t left you Arizona
Me and Cali have never been friends
Can’t you see how much I really love ya
Going to say it to you time and time again

Oh Arizona
ARIZONA

Every state deserves a good leader
Don’t let Brewer ruin your life
Time is so much better spent Canyon
With a Western state like you in my life
So let me live here
Fill up your west side
I want to stay here AZ
So let me settle you
Don’t you know that I’ll pay extra taxes for you AZ

I ain’t left you Arizona
Me and Cali have never been friends
Can’t you see how much I really love ya
Going to say it to you time and time again

Oh Arizona
ARIZONA

Everytime I wanna see ya
I can just look out of my window
But I love, I love, I love, I love, I love ya sunsets
And I just got to let you know
How much I need ya
Show you what you mean to me each day AZ
So let me stay here
In your super-hot summer heat each year
AZ AZ AZ

And when I tell you
I can live on the east side
Or in the middle of nowhere Winslow
Cuz I can’t let you go
I need you, I want ya

I’ll stay right here with you
Even with all the retirees that have come along

Oh Arizona
I don’t know what to say
Arizona
Love the weather every day
Oh Arizona
I’ll live on the 202
I ain’t no Casanova
I just wanna live in you
Listen AZ

I’ll ride your Gila Bend each and every day
At the White Tanks Park I will stay
Even drive on through mountains to Show Low
Go to Montana no
Arizona
I’m just a man AZ
And I want to be your Governor AZ

I ain’t left you Arizona
Me and Cali have never been friends
Can’t you see how much I really love ya
Going to say it to you time and time again

Oh Arizona
ARIZONA

(Credit to Levert for the template to the lyrics)

Top 10: 6-10

As a sports fan, we will always have those moments that we will never forget, be they happy or sad, fulfilling or utterly depressing. And unless you are a Laker, Yankee or SEC fan, those championship moments can be far and few between. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t special moments along the way that will have us yelling into the streets and out into the rooftops. Here are some of mine.

10. Goleada 5-0
Mexico vs. U.S.A. 2009 Gold Cup Final

As mentioned in one of the Bottom 10 posts, moments of celebration are few and far between for aficionados of El Tri. This, however, had to easily be one of the top 5 moment of any Mexican’s life (up there with crossing the border successfully and having children graduate from college). The match was downplayed to an extent because neither team fielded their A-squad for the Gold Cup final (The U.S. team might as well have played all subs). This edition of the Copa Oro didn’t have a berth in the Confederations Cup on the line, and both teams had their eyes on the much more important World Cup qualifier match to be played in a month down Mexico way. Regardless, you still don’t want to get pantsed by your border rival. Unfortunately for the Yanks, that is exactly what happened. Despite a close first half, the Mexico squad absolutely blew the doors, windows and roof off in the second half, raining goal after goal on the U.S. until the final score read 5-0. The game drew heavy partisan support for the Mexican squad even though it was played in New Jersey. There are few feelings in the world quite like trouncing the rival, regardless of the stakes.

(Video note: Fast forward to 1:30 to watch all five Mexican beauties)

 

 

9. I told you
Game 5 WCSF 2006 Phoenix Suns vs. LA Clippers

There was something mystical about the 2005-06 Suns. A team that at first seemed championship-caliber, the media immediately lowered their expectations once Amare Stoudemire had knee surgery. Despite this monumental loss, the Suns (behind a career year from Shawn Marion, a breakthrough performance by Boris Diaw and another MVP season from the Big Nashty) won 54 games and earned the second seed in the Western Conference. That playoff run was about as magical as it gets (with the exception of, you know, not winning the title) and each series would prove extremely tantalizing. The Clippers series came as a bit of a surprise, since I’m sure not many people realized that the Clippers were even capable of producing a winning record. Furthermore, my band of friends were confident that there was no way the Suns should or would suffer the ignominy of losing to the ugliest team in NBA history (need proof? Just take a look at Elton Brand, Sam Cassell, Mike Dunleavy [the coach] and Chris ‘Caveman’ Kaman. *Shudder). Nevertheless, the series was very close. Game 5 was pretty much a microcosm of the series, with the teams going to two overtimes to decide the winner. In the first overtime, the Suns found themselves down 3 and needing a, well, 3 to tie the game. With less than three seconds left, D’Antoni draws up a play that is designed to get off a high percentage shot. Cue Raja Bell (he of the infamous Kobe takedown), who runs out to the corner out of the timeout, takes the ball, and without hesitation, nails a three right in Daniel Ewing’s face!! As he races down the court, you can see him say “I told you!” to no one in particular. Later it is revealed that Raja had asked to that momentous shot, something I am sure all Suns fans are grateful for. The Suns would go on to win the game and the series in 7, once again annihilating an L.A. team in Phoenix.

 

 

8. Sale Gio
Mexico vs. U.S.A. 2011 Gold Cup Final

I got all kinds of pumped up for this game. I had the usual Mexican flag draped around me, and to pregame I went down to the local raspado place and ordered 3 tacos and a Mexican Coca Cola (yeah). Then I sat down to watch one of the most maddening, infuriating, awesome and rewarding experiences I have had watching futbol. I could feel the TV throwing rage building up inside of me as I watched that damn Landon Donovan give the U.S. a 2-0 lead early on. The Tri of yesteryear would have fallen apart after facing such an obstacle, but not this team. They quickly responded with a gol to cut the lead and then hit the equalizer to go into half time tied 2-2. Pablo Barrera hit his second goal in the second half to give Mexico its first lead, and with the U.S. threatening to tie, Gio Dos Santos comes up with a majesty of the goal, the prettiest thing I have seen this side of Zooey Deschanel. After leaving Tim Howard flopping on the pit like a fish out of water, victory was assured and a spot in the Confederations Cup secured. Yup, you can bet those damn Yankees will have a sour taste in their mouth for years to come. To quote Chad Ochocinco: Viva Mexico cabrones!!

7. Why not us?
Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees 2004 ALCS

I am by no means a Red Sox fan, and I was not about to jump on any bandwagon just because of some championship. But I am a Yankee hater, and I was not prepared to watch them play in the World Series again. So yes, I did believe. While they were down in the bottom of the 9th in Game 4, I kept thinking how Kevin Kennedy (on the Fox pregame show) had predicted a 7 game series and that it was still possible for the Red Sox to take them to the limit. I did not lose hope; hell, what kind of a Cubs fan would I be if I did? So I watched, hoping for the miraculous. And it happened. 4 games in 4 nights, 2 going to extra innings (walked off by Big Papi himself), a bloody sock and a couple of grand slams later, the Idiots had done what no team in baseball history had ever accomplished. It seemed destiny then that they would win it all. They had just broken the Curse of the Bambino, in the House that Ruth Built against the very team that one year earlier had taken them out. I wrote “I Believe!” on the board in my English class and it stayed there all week. The teacher ridiculed me for it, but come the day of Game 7 he turned to me and said “They’re gonna freaking do it aren’t they?!” Yes, Mr. Butler, they are. And they did.

6. The Rental
Phoenix Suns vs. LA Lakers
Game 6 Western Conference playoffs 1st round 2006

There are some moments that you know, just as you have watched them unravel, you will be telling generations of youngsters about. This was one such moment. This was, I think, the second toughest postseason series the Nash Era Suns played (right behind the scam in 2007 vs. the Spurs) and one of the most excruciating to watch. After all, the Suns had angled for this match up during the regular season and had overcome the loss of Amare to take the 2 seed in the West. There was no way they were going to let a punk ass Laker team that just sneaked into the playoffs ruin this party right? Well, as it turns out, it almost happened. The Lakers, behind a physical Game 3 and controversial Game 4, had taken a 3-1 series lead on Phoenix. Game 5 was a blow out, although it cost the Suns Raja Bell thanks to his clothesline of Kobe for Game 6 in LA. The Suns hung tough and kept the game close, but found themselves down 3 in the final minute. Cue Nash for the tie! Nope. Shawn Marion, who had played a typical Matrix game that day, pulled down yet another rebound and found an open Tim Thomas on the top of the three point arc for another attempt. After pump faking Kwame Brown out of the way, the Rental hit the shot that sent the game into overtime, mocking Kobe during the ensuing timeout. I had been sitting with legs crossed during that possession and somehow found myself on the other side of the room after Thomas’ 3. Of course, I have to mention the fact that not only did Marion rebound and assist on that shot, but he also played solid D on Kobe, preventing Bryant from hitting yet another game winning shot in the closing seconds (one that would have ended the series). In overtime, the Suns rode out the momentum to a win, and never stopped scoring, obliterating the Lakers in Game 7 and causing Kobe Bryant to lash out at his teammates and almost pout his way out of town. Suns advancing and Kobe bitching? A win win for this Suns fan.

Top 10: Honorable Mentions

Sports (if we allow it) has this amazing capability to augment some very strong and deep emotions within us. Sure, these moments can be few and far between, but we watch on the off chance that maybe, just this once, something spectacular will happen. This is especially, and particularly, true when one of our teams is involved in the moment. These moments can encompass anything and everything from a player making a spectacular play, to a team stringing together a furious rally, to a series being brought to an awe-inspiring and authoritative end.

With that in mind, the following posts (following my heartbreaking Bottom 10 series) will focus on the top 10 moments that I have experienced as a sports fan. Today, I will highlight two moments that, while they did not make it, I feel deserve acknowledgement for the sheer level of awesomeness that they exhibited. Tune in tomorrow for 6-10, but for now enjoy this mini-preview of things to come.

Kerry Wood’s 20 K game
(May 6th, 1998, Chicago Cubs vs. Houston Astros, Wrigley Field)

Quite frankly, the only reason this isn’t in the top 10 is because I am not 100% certain that I saw this game live on WGN. 1998 was, of course, the year that Sosa and McGwire duked it out for the home run record. But there was another reason for the North Siders to be excited, and that reason was Kid K. Despite being only a rookie, Wood was already being highly touted, garnering comparisons to the great Nolan Ryan before he set a National League record for most strike outs in one game. Even though it was May and even though it was Chicago, the Houston Astros were in for the storm of the year. Wood pitched a complete game shutout, giving up only one hit and making the Astros (which, as hard as it may be for us to believe at this point, actually had a pretty good offense in those days, buoyed by Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Moises Alou and Derek Bell) look completely overmatched in every at-bat. The look on the face of each Astros’ player after a K is priceless; they are completely dumbfounded by what is happening to them. For just one sunny day in May, the Cubs got a look at what the future held in store, a future that seemed brighter than the sun in the sky.

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=16234033

Bell vs. Kobe
(Game 5, 2006 Western Conference Semifinals, Phoenix Suns vs. Los Angeles Lakers)

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “But Raythar, how could you possibly have this listed as a top moment when Horry attacking Nash is a bottom one?” Well, if you find yourself asking that question, then you are probably a Lakers fan. But in the event that you are not, here are the cliff notes: Horry had no fucking grounds for doing that to Nash while Bell and Kobe had been going at it all series. Besides, we all know that Kobe has his goons (read: Vujajic and the human rectangle known as Kwame Brown) do the dirty work for him because he’s too much of a pansy to go toe to toe with someone. In any event, the Suns were staring the very real possibility of a 5 game elimination in the face, and responded by taking the series back to LA for a Game 6. Bell, clearly fed up with Kobe’s shit decided to take it to him MMA style and promptly got himself ejected and suspended. And yet, the moment is oh-so-glorious because we saw Kobe try to shrug something off like it was no big deal (even though he later acted up yet again and got himself similarly ejected) even though he had just been tossed like a rag doll to the ground on national TV. I love the Suns and I hate Kobe. Need more be said?

Bottom 10, Part 2

As promised, the second half of my worst moments as a sports fan.

(Note: reading this blog and being a fan of the Phoenix Suns, Chicago Cubs, El Tri or Arizona Wildcats Men’s Basketball team may induce nausea, headaches, raging fever, rage and the innate desire to throw objects through and at windows. Enjoy!)

5. Golazo!
(2006 World Cup, second round, Mexico vs. Argentina)

Over time, I have come to realize that even though you may love your team to death and hope for the best out of them, sometimes reality must set in. So even though you cheer for a team that had a decent regular season and somehow made the playoffs, you have to hope for the best but expect the probable (early success, eventual loss at the hands of a true contender). Suffice to say, this has been the case for the majority, if not all, of my life when it comes to the Mexican National Football Team. While they have had success on a small scale (see: CONCACAF Gold Cup) and advanced from the group stage in every World Cup since 1994, no one has really expected them to make a huge splash. Yet, being a fan kind of requires you to ignore all that noise and hope that somehow, against the odds, your team can pull it off and make a deep run (Twss? Yes). After the bitter taste that was left in my mouth following the 2002 World Cup, I was pumped to see El Tri get another shot at the quarterfinal round, something that had eluded them since 1986. So here we go, Argentina vs. Mexico for a spot in the round of 8. Mexico kept us believing, fighting the Argentine team to a 1-1 tie and dragging the game into extra time. In the first extra session, Argentina scored one of the most ridiculous goals I have ever seen in my life. Maxi Rodriguez, receiving a deep pass from a teammate, bounced the ball off his chest and nailed a strike from beyond the box (WITH HIS LEFT FUCKING FOOT) to send a stab in the gut to everyone hoping for a Mexico victory. While it was only a 1 goal margin and there was plenty of time left (22 total minutes), everyone knew that it would take a goal just like that one to win the game. People often speak of their heart dropping when something unexpected and bad happens. For me, this was the first time having such a feeling. While only 1 goal behind, it felt like 3, and as soon as that ball hit the back of the net I knew that I would have to wait another 4 years to see Mexico make a run at the World Cup again.

Note: I’m about to go Kill Bill Vol. 1 on y’all and put number 3 first (It is the third most, but the 4th is a direct result of the 3rd).

3. The Hip Check
(2007 Western Conference Semifinals, Game 4, San Antonio Spurs vs. Phoenix Suns)

The Suns, after losing home court advantage in Game 1, seemed destined to lose the series. Not only did the NBA decide to overlook the Bruce Bowen kicking incident (fuck yo couch he kicked Amare on purpose and you fucking know it), but it seemed like the “tougher” (read: more contact inducing team in a non contact sport) was going to win the series. The Game 3 refereeing had been a joke, prompting “The FIX is on TNT” signs. Game 1 could have just as easily been a Suns win if not for a certain French idiot headbutting a Canadian national treasure, cutting said treasure’s nose open and keeping him out for crucial stretches of the final minutes (look, all I’m saying is that the Suns had a WAY better chance of winning with Nash on the floor than without him. Comprende?) of the game. The Suns, now down 2-1 and doing their best to make it a 2-2 series going back to Phoenix, stepped it up. A crucial miss by Ginobili in the final minute was rebounded by the Suns and immediately placed in the hands of the greatest free throw shooter of our time. With less than 24 seconds to go and the Suns up by 3, the Spurs had no choice but to foul. However, for Robert Horry, it wasn’t enough just to wrap up Nash and stop the clock. No, he CHECKS Nash, hockey-style, into the announcer’s table, prompting all players on the court (and including a couple on the bench…) to come to the scene of the crime. Horry clearly had higher intentions in mind, since anyone that has been ballin’ in the NBA for 13 years like he had should obviously know that a Flagrant foul results in 2 FT’s and possession of the ball for the other team. And boy, did he hit a home run. Amar’e and Boris Diaw, clearly doing what any respectable human being would do in sticking up for their boy when a buffoon that is still butt chapped that the Suns traded him for acting like a little bitch hip checks him into a table, end up reprimanded in the form of a one game suspension (Horry? Gone for the rest of the series. But if you wanna call that an equal trade, then your parents were probably working for the Vikings when they traded 13 players for Herschel Walker). The Suns may have won the game, but the Spurs would, thanks to Horry’s roughhousing and David Stern’s infinite stupidity, take the series. The Suns, however, still had a shot, as they now had homecourt advantage in a de facto best of 3. The downside? Losing two of their best players for a game that they absolutely had to have.

4. Just Short
(2007 Western Conference Finals, Game 5, Phoenix Suns vs. San Antonio Spurs)

After the events of #3, David Stern decided that it would be in the best interest of the sport and its fans to suspend two of the Suns’ best players for breaking a little known rule and playing zero part in an altercation started by a Spurs player. Despite this, the Suns still managed to hold a lead against San Antonio for the majority of the game, up until Bruce Bowen nailed a patented corner 3 late in the game to give the Spurs their first lead of the night (or in a long while anyway, I forget). After that, it was GG. While the Suns weren’t completely eliminated yet, their infamously short rotation did them in in the end, as D’Antoni kept the same 6 core players in for the majority of the game, including Nash and Marion for over 40. The fatigue factor was too much, and in Game 6 the Spurs raced out to a giant lead that no Suns run could overcome. The Suns, in the end, lost 3 games as a direct or indirect result of over physical play (Nash’s bloody nose Game 1, the bad refereeing in Game 3, Game 5 thanks to the Horry check). It’s a damn shame too. This series was a de facto NBA Finals, as the winner was deemed the favorite against the field. Well, the Spurs went on to win consecutive series against the Jazz (5 games) and the Cavaliers (4 game sweep) to take yet another title. The Suns? Left to another off season of agony in a season in which fate was too much for 110 points a game to overcome.

2. The Bartman Game
(2003 NLCS, Game 6, Chicago Cubs vs. Florida Marlins)

“Once you jump on the Cubs bandwagon, you never jump off.”

It’s difficult to love the Cubs, yet just when you are ready to give up on them, they give you something like 2003. Only 88 wins, but they had the most potent playoff weapon: Twin Aces. Kerry Wood and Mark Prior were dominant that year, and they had not lost back to back games all season. Despite losing Game 1 in Wrigley, they rebounded to take 3 straight and a 3-0 lead in Game 6 at home. 5 outs away, with one of their aces (still) on the mound, the Cubs were on the brink of reaching the World Series. And then… it all fell apart. A foul ball down the left field line was batted away by a fan, a ball that had a slim chance of being caught by Moises Alou for the second out. Instead, the next pitch was a wild one that put runners on 1st and 3rd. We should have all known that it was over then. What Bartman did was something that all of Chicago feared happening: the Cubs unnerving. And so they did. Alex Gonzalez botched a potential double play ball, leaving the bases loaded and helping the Marlins on their way to an 8 run 8th inning that put the series at 3-3. Even then, the Cubs still had their other ace Kerry Wood to punch the franchise’s first World Series ticket since 1945, but he choked (as he has so admitted), and for the first time all year, the 1-2 punch lost successive games and the Cubs, just like that, were doomed again to watch another team celebrate on their turf. Bartman was subject to all kinds of abuse for doing something most of us would have done based solely on instinct. But it was enough to send the jittery Cubs over the edge and to another catastrophic loss. Wood and Prior would have at least given the Cubs a chance against the Yankees, but it was not meant to be, that season or ever. Overused, Prior and Wood’s arms gave out and never received another opportunity to give the North Siders a coveted championship. Bartman has ultimately been forgiven by most rational Cubs fans, but so far no amount of hoax killings or good luck charms have helped the Cubs, as they have now lost 9 consecutive playoff games and are well on their way to a second consecutive losing season and few bright spots on the horizon. The torture continues. Then again, maybe we should be ready to give up on them again…

1. The Rugby Game
(2005 Elite Eight, Illinois Fightin’ Illini vs. Arizona Wildcats)

Since winning the 1997 National title, the Wildcats had only 1 Final Four appearance and a couple several close calls. This was one such occasion. Back and forth Illinois and Arizona went, exchanging blow for blow until the 7 minute mark, when the Wildcats went on a torrid run to bust out a 15 point lead with less than 5 minutes left. I was ready to celebrate when suddenly, the Illini remembered they were a ridiculously good 3 point shooting team. Led by Deron Williams, they chipped and nibbled at the lead. I stood in front of my TV not wanting to believe what was happening, hoping that somehow the U of A would hold onto the lead and just scare us for a little bit. But the Illini kept chipping and chipping away, and before I knew it the game was tied. I immediately accused the refs of homering, since the game was being held in Chicago (I love that city, but damn it has only caused me pain). My fears were confirmed when I hear the announcer exclaim: “They’re letting them play rugby down there!” And yet, despite blowing that lead, there was still a chance to win it at the end. Tied 80 all, Hassan Adams decided to up his NBA stock then and there and took one of those long two pointers that he so loved and was so bad at making instead of handing the ball to Salim Stoudemire, who had been lights out. Clank. OT. In the overtime, the Illini continued their ridiculous run, but for some reason Arizona had ANOTHER shot to win it at the end. 3 seconds left, Hassan with the ball AGAIN shoots another long two (this one an even worse shot than the first) instead of looking for a better shot or passing it up. Another bad miss that led to the clock running out. The put back went in, but it was too late. Never in my life have I wanted to throw my TV through a window so bad. I was angry, sad, crushed, depressed. To blow that lead IN THAT WAY and STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN IT ONLY TO HAVE THE SAME FUCKING GUY TAKE THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PERCENTAGE SHOT IN THE GAME TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 It was, well, devastating. While I doubt either team would have won the title (North Carolina was the overwhelming favorite), it was still a shock to see something like that happen. These kinds of losses are the ones that hurt the most: watching a team build a large lead only to not have them follow through at the very end, when it matters the most. The U, however, recovered (unlike the Cubs), and behind Derrick Williams, went on a magical Elite Eight run in 2011 after years of mediocrity following that loss in 2005. May we Wildcats never have to endure pain like this again.

Well, that was sufficiently depressing. Fortunately for me, the Top 10 moments blog is upcoming!!! So stay tuned for that. Deuces!

Bottom 10, Part 1

Things they don’t tell you when you decide to be a fan of a team: there are going to be some very rough moments. Even fans of some of the most successful franchises in history have had their down moments (i.e. every time their team doesn’t win it all [looking at you, Lakers and Yankees]). Yet, for those of us that have decided to root for teams not affiliated with pure evil, those crushing moments hurt that much more. This is because we know, deep down, that coming oh-so-close to a magical moment doesn’t happen very often and that our teams must take full advantage of the situation at hand because next year isn’t always a guarantee (for a variety of reasons).

So here and now, I have decided to compile a Bottom 10 list, if you will, of my worst experiences as a sports fan. After writing up this portion I decided that it could get unruly if I tried to combine it into 1, so I split it up. Today will feature 6-10; next post [should be up tomorrow or Thursday] will have the top, er, bottom 5. (note: reading this blog and being a fan of the Phoenix Suns, Chicago Cubs, El Tri or Arizona Wildcats Men’s Basketball team may induce nausea, headaches, raging fever, rage and the innate desire to throw objects through and at windows. Enjoy!)

10. No Fancy Name
2001 Men’s National Title Game Duke vs. Arizona

There are certain instances in a boy’s life that he will always remember. His first bike, first kiss and the first time he started hating the Duke Blue Devils. For me, this night in April was it. By this time I had already committed to becoming a Wildcat (thanks in large part to the 1997 team) and was super excited to see them win another title. Duke had a loaded team that year (led by Shane Battier), but Arizona was no slouch either, going  23-7 on the season, nabbing a 2 seed in the tourney and blowing by Michigan St. in the Final Four. However, this was not to be, as Duke kept them at bay throughout the second half and eventually winning by 10. And so my hatred of Duke began.

9. Ron-Ron’s Putback
(2010 Western Conference Finals Phoenix Suns vs. Los Angeles Lakers)

There are a lot of moments in Suns history that I have been alive to theoretically have seen, but let’s face it: I was 5 when Paxson hit the game winning three in the 1993 Finals and 7  when Mario Elie hit the infamous Kiss of Death shot to eliminate the favored Suns. So I don’t remember the sting of them as much. However, this one I will remember possibly forever. The Suns had somehow managed to make a series of it after being down 2-0, switching to a zone defense and confounding the Lakers in games 3 and 4 to even up the series heading back to LA for Game 5. On this night (just like the first two games in LA), the Fake, er, Lake Show jumped out to a huge lead, only to watch Phoenix whittle away at it until finally, the Suns were only down by three with 14 seconds left. The final Suns possession was aggravating to watch (like reaching for an itch that you just quite can’t scratch). Nash for a 3, nope. J-Rich for 3, in and out! Arrrggghhhhh noooooo. Rebound! J-Rich AGAIN FROM DEEP OMG HE BANKED IT IN!!!!!!! (ßA pretty accurate description of my real time reaction). Tied game! Now if we could just make it to OT… I was sure the Suns would win in overtime. They had all the momentum, the Fake Show had to be discouraged after blowing that big lead; Suns just had to make sure that Kobe didn’t go all hero again. Kobe gets the ball, air-balls it! Overti… then Artest, seemingly out of nowhere, catches it and lays it up at the buzzer. Game. Shock would describe my demeanor over the next few days. Sure, the Suns had another chance to even the series in Game 6, but a win in Game 5 would have been so huge and momentum shifting. 3 in a row against the Lakers? That might’ve been the series right there. But alas, still no NBA Finals for the big Nashty.

8. I stayed up for this?!
(2002 World Cup, second round, Mexico vs. U.S.A.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Sure, there are a few (hell, a lot) of things wrong with it, but it makes up for them in a lot of respects. That being said, I dislike the USMNT.  A lot. And this game is the beginning of that. My mom took care of my soccer fandom, and seen as how she is a Mexicana through and through, well, my fate was kinda sealed. So when Mexico advanced to play the U.S. in 2002, it was obviously a huge match. I mean, the U.S. was better than Mexico at many things, but futbol?! Hell na! So I stayed up (til 11 p.m. to watch a game halfway across the planet) hoping to witness a victory that would launch El Tri into the quarterfinals for the first time since 1986, but no. A grueling match, with a few questionable calls (or so I thought; I mean, we all have fan goggles on right?) led to a win for the U.S. and for Mexico, the stark realization that the gringos on the other side had finally caught up to them (But they still haven’t won in Azteca so ha!)

7. Dirk Goes Off
(2006 Western Conference Finals, Game 5, Dallas Mavericks vs. Phoenix Suns)

The 2005-06 campaign for the Suns was probably the most exciting of the :07 seconds or less era. Despite losing Amare for all but 3 games due to knee surgery, the Suns (behind another MVP performance from Steve Nash and a monster season from Shawn Marion) powered their way to 54 wins and the second seed in the conference. Even with so much roster turnover (loss of Joe Johnson, integration of Boris Diaw, no Amare, etc.) the Suns still led the league in scoring and were battle tested after two grueling series against the L.A. teams. The first game of the series was bittersweet; while the Suns took home court with Diaw’s babyhook towards the end of the game, Raja Bell suffered a calf injury that would sideline him for all but 1 of the next 5 games (the only one the Suns would win after Game 1 was the one Bell played in). Despite the injury, the Suns found themselves in a 2-2 tie going into Game 5. However, Dirk Nowitzki decided that it was his time and his night. Going off for 50 points, Dirk took command of the game and led the Mavericks to a 3-2 series lead that they would not relinquish. I believe that the 05-06 Suns had the best chance of winning the title of all the Run ‘n Gun teams; had they defeated the Mavs, they would have faced off against the Heat with home court advantage and a 2-0 record against them during the regular season. But as was a common theme during this era, injuries and the Suns’ lack of depth did them in once more.

6. Sweep of the Century
(2008 NLDS, Chicago Cubs vs. Los Angeles Dodgers)

Sometimes the stars align, and you just figure that fate has decided to play a part in a championship run. After decades of waiting til next year, it seemed the Cubs time had arrived. It had been EXACTLY 100 years since the last Cubs title, and this team seemed hellbent on erasing the pain of playoff runs past. 97 wins, home field advantage and a matchup against the winners of the NL Worst, the L.A. Dodgers. Yup, it seemed like the perfect time to throw the party of the century.

And then the Cubs choked. 7-2, 10-3 losses at home put them in a hole that they would not recover from. Alas, the Dodgers’ pitching staff turned out to be a horrible matchup for the righty-heavy Cubs lineup. Instead of the wildest title celebration ever seen, the Cubs watched another long suffering franchise (the Phillies) walk off with the trophy and into contender status. The Cubs? Fell off in 2009 and have yet to post a winning season since with no end in sight. We might have to wait another 100 years for a team that good again.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=3585911 [Copy and paste the link; even though it isn't the clinching game, it pretty much sums up the Cubs' play in the series.]

I haz a sad (and I’m not even at the worst ones yet… sigh). Tune in later this week for the remaining Bottom 5. I promise you, there are some doozies there. And there’ll probably be a movie blog. Who knows.

FACADEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!20!0

The Fourth Annual Facademy Awards

(as in, Fuck the Academy Awards*)

Quick explanation: Traditionally, we do NOT give nominations to people/movies that we did not watch during 2010. This year was no different (with some minor exceptions to fill out the categories). So there’s that.

Basically, me and Mota watched over 35 movies in theatres in 2010, on top of all the movies that were released in 2010 that we saw on DVD. For all intents and purposes, the list of winners is exclusive to movies that we actually saw. However, we did see a multitude of good and great movies (not to mention some bad ones, see Worst Movie).

Rest assured, the Academy Award winners had little to no effect on us. Here they are, for you to scrutinize and, in the end, agree with, the fourth-ever FACADEMY AWARD WINNERS (2010 edition).

*side note- The homeboy Mota and I actually respect the Oscars now (AND watch them in our Miley Cyrus concert shirts), but we’re keeping the name cuz it has been the name of the awards from the start.

(Get on with it!!!): Chloe Grace Moretz pretty much swept, and if you are questioning why, then do yourself a favor and have a CGM movie night by watching Kick-Ass and Let Me In. It’ll be awesome, promise.

Best Comedy: Easy A

Best Children’s Film: Toy Story 3

Worst Movie: (First ever tie!!!) Dear John, Valentine’s Day

Best Actor: Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine

Best Actress: Chloe Grace-Moretz, Let Me In

Best Villain: Frank D’Amico, Kick-Ass

Best Action: Kick-Ass

Best Special Effects: Inception

Breakthrough Performance: Chloe Grace-Moretz, Let Me In

Best Epic/Drama: Blue Valentine

Best Horror/Suspense: Paranormal Activity2

Best CG Character: Dolby, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter

Best Supporting Actress: Chloe Grace-Moretz, Kick-Ass

Best Quote: “I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around.” – Dean, Blue Valentine

Best Action Scene: Infiltrating D’Amico HQ- Kick-Ass

Best Film: Let Me In

Most Nominations: The Fighter, Black Swan, Let Me In, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World 7 nominations

Most Awards: Kick-Ass 4 awards, 6 nominations

 

Packers vs. Steelers

So for the past 4 years or so I have posted a pre-Super Bowl blog preview, which basically results in me picking a winner for the big game.

Record: 1-3 (fucking Rex Grossman).

Although, I did say that the Steelers would need to score a defensive touchdown to beat the Cardinals (which they did, and that resulted in a 14 point swing).

This year though, no. No preview. Packers vs. Steelers? In Cowboys Stadium? And you’re asking a Dallas fan to pick a winner. Fuck. That.

I hope they both lose. And enough with calling Big Ben a great all-time QB if he wins this. In case anyone has forgotten, he hasn’t won any SB MVP’s. But I digress.

Go Suns.

FACADEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!2011

(Facademy: as in, fuck the academy awards*)

For those of you who have witnessed to the Facademy Awards, you are well aware of the basic premise. For those of you who haven’t, here is a brief summary:

This is solely based on movies that A. My cousin and I saw or B. Movies we will see (in the case of The King’s Speech) [sorry Tangled, no nomination for you].

Agree, disagree, comments, concerns, donations at the bottom.

Some of these nominees are a stretch, but hey, sometimes you can barely find enough films to fill a category (especially when you aren’t being paid to watch them or watching them for free). Best Comedy was a toughie, but I managed to fill it out with 5.

*side note- me and the homeboy mota actually respect the Oscars now, but we’re keeping the name because it has been the name of the awards from the start (also: Mickey Rourke!!!!!!!!!1).

But I won’t keep you from what you are here to read any longer. And don’t forget to question us up! Formspring.me/raythar

So here they are: The 2010 Facademy Nominees.

Best Comedy- Date Night. Dinner for Schmucks. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Easy A. MacGruber.

Best Children’s Film- How to Train Your Dragon. Toy Story 3. Despicable Me. Ramon and Beezus. Wolfman.*

*Before you start yelling at me about how an R-rated movie got a nod for Children’s Film: My 4 year old brother, upon seeing a trailer for this movie, proclaimed that his dad would get scared but that he wasn’t afraid of watching the movie. His dad took him to see the movie. This ‘nomination’ is nothing more than an ode to my little brother.

Worst Movie- Nightmare on Elm Street. Why Did I Get Married Too? Dear John. Valentine’s Day. Clash of the Titans.

Best Actor- James Franco, 127 Hours. Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine. Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter. Colin Firth, The King’s Speech. Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network.

Best Actress- Natalie Portman, Black Swan. Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine. Chloe Grace-Moretz, Let Me In. Emma Stone, Easy A. Annette Bening, The Kids are All Right.

Best Villain- Frank D’Amico, Kick-Ass. Torrez, Machete. Lotso, Toy Story 3. Ivan Vanko, Iron Man 2. Red Mist, Kick-Ass.

Best Action- Kick-Ass. Iron Man 2. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Predators. Machete.

Best Special Effects- Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Black Swan. Let Me In. Inception. Wolfman.

Breakthrough Performance- Chloe Grace-Moretz, Abby, Let Me In. Tom Hardy, Eames, Incpetion. Kieran Culkin, Wallace Wells, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Andrew Garfield, Eduardo Saverin, The Social Network. Emma Stone, Olive Pendergast, Easy A.

Best Epic/Drama- The Fighter. Blue Valentine. Let Me In. Black Swan. The Social Network.

Best Horror/Suspense- Paranormal Activity 2. Let Me In. Piranha. The Crazies. Black Swan.

Best CG Character- Lotso, Toy Story 3. Minions, Despicable Me. Toothless, How to Train Your Dragon. Dolby, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1. Medusa, Clash of the Titans.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role- Tom Hardy, Inception. Christian Bale, The Fighter. Andrew Garfield, The Social Network. Kieran Culkin, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Cheech Marin, Machete.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role- Chloe Grace-Moretz, Kick Ass. Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Amy Adams, The Fighter. Mila Kunis, Black Swan. Ellen Wong, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

Best Quote-

1. Show’s over, motherfuckers.- Hit Girl, Kick-Ass

2. Now Woody, he’s been my pal for as long as I can remember. He’s brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special is: He’ll never give up on you… ever. He’ll be there for you, no matter what. – Andy, Toy Story 3

3. You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling. – Eames, Inception

4. It’s so fluffy! – Agnes, Despicable Me

5. I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out! – Padre, Machete

6. Just so you know, we can’t be friends. – Abby, Let Me In

7. I think if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try – but there’s no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention – you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing. Did I adequately answer your condescending question? – Mark Zuckerberg, The Social Network

8. Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure! – Dobby, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

9. I can’t? I’m the Swan Queen; you are the one who never got the part! – Nina, Black Swan

10. I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around. – Dean, Blue Valentine

Best Action Scene-
1. Father vs. Son- Wolfman
2. Freeing the Giant Dragon- How to Train Your Dragon
3. Infiltrating D’Amico HQ- Kick-Ass
4. Mickey Ward vs. Neary- The Fighter
5. Scott Pilgrim and Ramona vs. Roxy- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Best Picture-
Let Me In
The Social Network
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
Toy Story 3

Housekeeping

Well, it certainly has been a while since I last blogged. My apologies.

But I am back!!!! And what better way to kick off the 2011 movie season here at the blog than with the FACADEMY Nominations for 2010 (The blog right after this one).

Wanted to get the nomination blog out before the Oscar nominations were announced, but I got super busy. Oops. But a couple of things: No nomination for Waiting for ‘Superman’? No Best Actor for Ryan Gosling?! B.S. And no Original Screenplay for Black Swan. What the hell, Academy. What. The. Hell. (Don’t worry Black Swan; we got you back).

In any event: The Blog is back, took a very looooooong break (shit happens) but we here are dedicated to bring you at least the very average of movie reviews and zany randomness. Might even have a new grading system for movies (there’ll be a post explaining all that).

This should get you guys through the weekend, at which point I will post a February preview (January mostly offers up movies that have seen limited release and Oscar buzz; 2011 season doesn’t begin in earnest until February). So stay tuned (and sexy).

(Cliffhanger for Facademy nominations)….